air born

Journal — 25/12/2023

I have tried journaling before but I never really end up maintaining it. But I just read on a substack post that “Journaling is a salve for a cluttered and confused mind" and I want to give this a shot. I am going to start writing these journals on my most troubled days.

It's Christmas. The world is celebrating. And I'm here fighting my demons.

Tired of ruminating the same past conversations. Tired of hoping for the same hopeless future. But my mind still keeps at it. It goes to show how much affect one woman can have on your life. Or maybe its just me. I have been lonely so long, that I attach myself to even a faint flicker of hope for companionship.

They say, to get over someone, you need to get under someone else. Such a cringe way to put it. But I get the idea. Talking to another romantic interest may be helpful. But it will be the same shit again. I will get attached. If it does not work out for some reason, I will get sad again. And “sad” does not even begin to describe how awful this all feels.

Another person is not the answer. I need to regain interest and find joy in my own life. A partner can just increase that joy. They cannot be the sole source of happiness. Anyway, I've known this from past breakups. And I am trying to do all kinds of things now. And it really does take my mind off of things. Perhaps its this long break where I did not plan to do much in advance.

But I don't understand why this is so much more difficult that past breakups. I even ended up contacting her once again. Such a weak thing to do after I said my final goodbyes. Had to apologize by saying its “Limmerence” lol. And some of it probably is. But I still feel guilty and ashamed of the chance I blew. Whether or not it would have worked, I clearly destroyed it prematurely by being a jackass. Nobody likes a control freak. If only I could make her understand that I am not the same anymore. But we cannot go back to the past. It is no more. Life is utterly brutal and painful right now. What am I supposed to do? Stupid brain won't stop thinking about it.

And believe it or not, my company gave me 11 friggin days of leave this end-of-year. Even a month ahead of heads up would have helped HR team! I would have budgeted properly and gone somewhere. Anyway, my current plan is to read fiction and some papers I have been collecting for a while. And then on 29th I will go trekking and camping in the hills. Not a bad improvisation if I might say so :)